EXCITED, EXHAUSTED, "LAZY" AND LONELY

I didn't sleep well last night and I don't know why.  Yesterday was a lovely day.

I drove to a restaurant to meet with a dear friend who I had not seen since high school.

The driving route was familiar to me, so no particular stress there.  The restaurant was chosen partly for its quieter patio seating and menu.  The meeting was pleasant and comfortable, so no stress there.  I enjoyed my visit with her and her husband so much that my smile muscles hurt.  I didn't notice until on the drive back home that I was tense across my shoulders, the back of my neck and my face. From past experience, I recognize this as a result of leaning in and straining to hear in a noisy environment or when more than one conversation is going on around me.

I immediately relaxed my shoulders and neck and face muscles and, when I arrived home, I did nothing but relax with a book, my computer and the TV with my favorite sports teams for the rest of the day.  I have learned that the concentration needed to move about without staggering or falling and to hear is so exhausting that one major thing a day is all I can handle.  A simple lunch outing is a major thing when you have a vestibular disorder.

Knowing that I was to meet a friend for our fitness walk early the next morning...another major thing... I contentedly made my way to bed about 9:30-10pm and tossed until after midnight.  I got up and had a cup of chamomile tea while I read a novel.  I texted my friend in the middle of the night that, because I could not walk on just a few hours sleep, I would not be able to meet her.  I went back to bed and found myself still awake an hour later.  I finally fell asleep only to be awakened by a phone call from my friend who had not yet seen my text.  By the time I put a hearing aid in she had left me a message that she was concerned because I was not at the park.  I listened and called her back but I, too, had to leave a message.  I forgot about the hearing aid, laid back down on the opposite ear and the phone rang again.  I groggily answered, explained, laid down again and, just as I was dozing off, rolled over onto the ear with the aid.  It woke me with a squeal.  I gave up and, though I tried to nap,  have been up and zombie-like for the rest of the day.

I have hobbies, housework, things to do, but don't feel like doing a thing.  This is explained by a psychologist who deals with vestibular patients who think themselves to be lazy and have the fear that others think the same of them:  https://vestibular.org/sites/default/files/page_files/It%27s%20All%20in%20your%20Head_Addressing%20Stressors%20%26%20Self%20Doubt.pdf

Of course, it is easier to just be still and alone with quiet around you, but it can also be very lonely.  Blogging about it is helpful.  Thanks for listening.  💕

I'M IN LOVE!

I "liked" the VEDA (Vestibular Disorder Association) page on Facebook and have been "sharing" their posts for Balance Disorder Awareness.  I am disheartened at the relatively few responses and shares that I've gotten from 189 friends including family.  I am extremely grateful for the caring souls who did respond and share and for those who have read my blog.

One friend who read my blog responded by email with the suggestion that I might qualify for a service dog.  I am aware that such hearing/balance service animals are available but dismissed the idea due to the presumed expense and the lack of space in my two-story, two-bedroom town home.

I fell in love with a very loving and well-trained golden retriever when visiting with family on a Pennsylvania farm.   I giggled every time he nudged his big head under my arm to have his ears scratched.  The big lug even stretched himself across my lap when I was on his level sitting on the edge of the porch.  Each time I left the porch to stagger across the field, he rose with me and accompanied me as though he knew I might fall.  

WHEN I get my windfall and can afford a second home there, I will find myself a companion just like "Blue," aka "Cletus."  (Pictured here with my grandson.)

I AM LEARNING

I've heard it said that you are only old when you stop learning.

Most everyone's retirement dreams are to relax and have fun with friends and family and I'm just stuck here by myself.  Yes, I know I  am blessed with many dear friends, but I want to be able to come and go as I please; to be able to say on a whim that I think I'll do this or that or go here or there without having to consult someone else.

If you read the links in my second post, you learned that a part of my vestibular disorder is lack of balance in the dark.  According to my vestibular therapist, that cannot be remedied.  While on a visit with my son and his family, we all piled out of his vehicle in front of his house.  The headlights remained on for a moment, but when they went off, with no porch light to illuminate the way from the driveway to the door, I froze in place.  I felt like I was going to fall off a cliff.  Someone grabbed my arm and another ran inside to turn on the light.  That has happened a couple times so I never venture out after dusk and before dawn without someone to hold onto.

Another aspect of night-time imbalance happens when laying back in bed at night after all the lights have been turned off.  The glow of a night-light is not enough to prevent the feeling of falling back into a hole.  I have a bedside lamp, but just leaning up and back a bit to switch it off has the same result.  A dear friend gave me a remote switch which is on a cord that the lamp cord plugs into.  I drape it over the lamp during the day where it can be turned on upon entering the room and keep it under a pillow next to me at night where it can be turned off once I'm all settled in.   Problem solved...at least when I'm at home.  Someone suggested a "Clapper" which would work as well.

The more that I learn about the disorder, the more questions I have.  For instance, having refused at my doctor's recommendation, the evasive test to hopefully confirm the cause, I now wonder if there is still a neurotoma somewhere that hasn't been detected that may cause more damage.  I must pose that question to my neurotologist when I next meet with him.  Because mine is such a unique case, he cannot tell me with any assurance whether or not cochlear implants to improve word recognition will also improve my balance.   Because the implant actually bypasses the hearing/vestibular system, it is doubtful.

FULL RETIREMENT

Today was my last day at the spa/health resort.  The full-timer for whom I spent Saturdays doing clerical work and some sales has decided to go part-time.  With her full-time replacement, there are no hours available for me.  In considering her changes and how it might work, I told her that it would just be the push that I need to finally fully retire; that, without the re-shuffle, I would probably just hang on until I collapsed.  I am not financially nor psychologically ready, but I definitely am physically ready for full retirement.

I have been in the formal work force for over 54 years.  My first real job was part-time sales at J. C. Penney at the age of 16, though I had a regular baby-sitting job prior to that.  In high school, I was a student secretary for a coach who was a retired military officer and, upon graduation, became a stenographer for the U.S. Information Agency in Washington, D. C. when the renowned newsman Edward R. Murrow was Director.  In addition to my week-day responsibilities in the USIA Offices of the Near East and South Asia, I was part of a week-end steno pool that worked for Mr. Murrow.

After the birth of my first son, my little family moved to my hometown where I worked as a stenographer for a nuclear engineer in a plutonium laboratory.

After the birth of my second son, when my husband found employment in another city, we moved and I worked for a while in the office of an early computer supply company; an IBM rival...then part-time sales, again, for a major retailer.

After another move, I continued my employment with the same retailer advancing from part-time sales, to merchant's secretary, to buying-office co-supervisor, to assistant sales manager, to sales manager with continually increasing staff/inventory/merchandising/training/payroll responsibilities.  When the company reorganized, there was a buy-out that seemed tailored to me as I just met the requirements for age and service.  I took the buy-out and did a wide range of temp work until I began to work for a major airline in a local call center.

I progressed from entry-level domestic reservation calls to domestic problem resolution.  Ten years later, when that company reorganized and put my department back to entry level, I stuck it out for another year and, rather than train for international reservation calls, I retired with a small pension and full travel benefits for life.

Having already retired early twice, I began a search for the perfect part-time retirement job.  An old retail management friend, who was director of a chain of retail thrift stores, just happened to be looking for someone to establish a training department to give their clients/employees some skills that they could take with them beyond the non-profit stores.  They established an entire training facility for me and soon after I graduated several classes, once again, both he and I were reorganized out of our jobs.  I was offered something different but not at all the perfect part-time retirement job, so I was looking once again.

I was offered two jobs on the same day; one as a weekend manager for a tourist attraction gift shop and the other as concierge at a renowned health spa/resort.

And this post has come full circle...

"While others may argue about whether the world ends with a bang or a whimper, I just want to make sure mine doesn't end with a whine."... Barbara Gordon