I began this blog, not only to educate friends and family about my condition, but to share my experiences with others who may be in the same situation; to give them the comfort of knowing that they are not alone. For those reading it for the first time, while I encourage you to respond with your experiences and advice, I hope that you will read from the beginning and not respond until you've caught up with me on this adventure of discovery. I am learning as I go.
You haven't heard from me since August of 2017. One reason being that I had no assurance that any, but a few of you, were reading it. (Previous posts are listed from the bottom up to the right. When you click on a date, you must scroll down to read the first one in date order.)
Because I expressed to a friend my feelings of no longer having a purpose in life, he suggested that I start writing again as expressing my feelings in writing has always been cathartic for me. My argument to him was that he seemed to be the only one who cares. Not one family member has ever commented on my blog posts nor questioned why I've stopped, and only my cousin's dear wife has ever asked for an update.
Lack of purpose in my life stems from my closest family members never reaching out to me and my inability to continue working or volunteering as a literacy tutor since their new office is too distant and my driving ability and reliability has diminished.
I have often said that I can accomplish only one thing a day. If I attend a Silver Sneakers Fitness Class or go grocery shopping, for instance, I then collapse on the couch or pick up a book and relax in my swivel rocker and just fret over the things that need to get done.
Imagine spending every moment of every day like a little kid who spun around to purposely make himself dizzy. It is exhausting. You may have read previously in this blog what I learned in my vestibular therapy sessions. I must move my eyes before I move my head, so a 360-turn requires several steps instead of a normal smooth about-face. I fell recently for the first time due to my balance impairment. I had allowed myself to get over-tired and was seated with my back to the room messing with my electronics. I arose and turned to face the room, apparently forgetting that I can't move normally, and the 360-turn without mindfulness caused me to go down. No injuries except for pain in my bad knee and some bruises.
Regarding the need for "Friends Who Care:"
- I recently had all my 33-year-old windows replaced with energy-efficient ones. I didn't notice when I signed the contract that the contractor does not paint any added or replaced trim pieces or repaint any areas that they scuffed during installation so that still remains to be accomplished. Friends helped me remove and replace my window treatments and that must be done again in order to paint. Missing that in the contract is but one example of the cognitive issues that I've been having lately. I cause myself more work and stress by the mistakes that I make.
- I'm still doing all my own housework, but will need some help with things like closet cleaning. I have plexiglass shelving in glass-front kitchen cabinets. I can't get up and down off a step stool to remove and replace everything for cleaning. And, with my poor balance and bad knee and hips, it is difficult for me to get up and down off the floor to clean the base cabinets. I also want to get rid of some stuff in closets and drawers by tossing, donating, or selling but, again, can't do it all alone. I've been trying to think ahead so that my sons won't have to deal with it when I'm gone.
My healthcare plan has a great program where they actually pay you with a gift card for making an appointment for a House Call by a nurse practitioner. I had my house call visit yesterday. She spent 2.5 hours with me! How often do you get that kind of attention from your PCP? We discussed all my meds and specialists and how my meds affect me. We also discussed my mental well-being. She believes that I am depressed and should have a psychological evaluation and perhaps get some meds for that. I told her that I thought, rather than clinical, it was situational depression; grief over the loss, due to my balance impairment, of the person I once was. She said that, because it is a situation that I can't fix and has lasted a long time, it has become clinical. That statement and her statement as she was leaving "You are not disabled; you look great" made me feel that, because she hadn't given me the chance to fully explain my disability and what it has done to me, she really didn't understand. Earlier in our discussion she commented that there are a lot of people much more disabled than I. Of course, I understand that, but it doesn't help and the statement was demeaning.
On a positive note, the same dear friend who suggested I return to writing gave me a FitBit tracking watch for my birthday. It nudges me to get up and move every hour. Because the temps in Tucson have been in triple digits, outdoor walking is not currently an option. The same friend had given me a flash drive with Hip-Hop some time ago. I've been dancing around the house...more like rhythmic walking...for exercise. I turn the TV volume off when watching sports and dance in front of the TV.
"🎶 Get up offa that thing...🎶"
