WORKING THROUGH THE "PITY-POOR-ME'S"

I watched DVD's from two different implant companies and cried.  The testimonials showed people idealistically surrounded by family and friends and enjoying life.  In my more realistic frame of mind I questioned "I am not surrounded by family and friends, so why bother?"  (A case of the "Pity-poor-me's.")

I didn't qualify for cochlear implants again anyway.  This time, the phrases were so obscure that I couldn't guess.  The audiologist 6 months ago suggested I had done that too well.  With my left hearing aid only, I tested at around 27% sentence recognition.  With my right hearing aid only, I tested over 40%.  With both, on which the FDA bases qualification, I was at just over 40%...borderline.  I am to be re-tested in another 6 months.  Meanwhile, my name is on a list for a new study of those of us on the fence.  If I qualify for that, I will be notified.  Very frustrating.  I want something that will fix both hearing and balance impairment which doesn't yet exist.  (Notice that I said "yet."  That's positive, right?)

I've been feeling very negative lately about the usefulness of implants in my case because I believe my balance impairment to be more debilitating than my hearing impairment.  I question whether, at the age of 70, I want to have something implanted in my head.  At my age, most have had natural gradual hearing loss and many do nothing about it.  Because I was an active, vital, independent 66-year-old and my loss was sudden, I am extremely aware and am wearing two hearing aids that, according to the FDA, are "good enough."

With cochlear implants, I would be better able to hear in noisy environments and enjoy music again, but unless my family and friends begin to include me to do those things*, to even pay attention to me (I feel very alone in this struggle.), I still will not be able to be out after dark, to navigate the unrailed stairs of a stadium, to walk to my seat in a theater, to walk down an airline jet-bridge alone, to do more than one "major" thing a day.

Don't give up on me here.  I promised myself that my blog would not be just a list of complaints and "pity poor me's,"  though those things are necessary to your understanding.  

I have been educating myself, mainly through the VEDA (Vestibular Disorder Association) Facebook page and website.  A recent article discusses feeling "stuck" and being in the "comparison trap."  I have been there and know that it takes an enormous amount of emotional energy to move on; to stop listing those things that you can no longer do and those things that you will never do again and comparing what you can do today with the past.  http://vestibular.org/news/10-02-2013/chronic-resilience-comparison-trap.  In the article, author Joan Friedlander recognizes the mourning period and suggests that, in time, one must recognize that the past wasn't all that rosy; that it had it's problems, too, and states that one must find the "hero in the story," (self-confidence) and make a plan to move forward.

Through VEDA, I also learned of a study completed by a research team at Johns Hopkins.  Through their research, they have identified the tiny part of the brain responsible for balance and have used some  safe method to throw their healthy test subjects temporarily off balance.  The premise is that the reverse may be true and they may be able to use their findings to cure those of us with balance disabilities.
http://hub.jhu.edu/2013/10/08/dizziness-brain
This is exciting news for me and I plan to write a letter to the leader of that team and offer myself as a "guinea pig" in the research of that premise.

*I am extremely grateful to those precious few who do.

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING

Every day is a new adventure; a new opportunity for experience in whatever comes your way.  With the right attitude you can make fun out of anything.  Right.

I needed a major attitude adjustment after my monthly senior-discount day grocery shopping expedition which is always a challenge but, because of the discount and the chance to exert my independence,  I take pride in the accomplishment.  The squeaking carts, music, conversations, conveyor belts, loud-speaker announcements are annoying to some but can be debilitating for a hearing-impaired person.  The aisle upon aisle of shelves and back-forth up-down movement is dizzying and nauseating for a balance impaired person.  The grocery cart gives me some stability.

My usual store has been doing some remodeling and seasonal shifting of goods so things were not in their normal places.  There was a conveyor belt at one of the check stands that squeaked rhythmically loud enough to be heard throughout the store.  It was not so much the squeak itself but the rhythm of the squeak that threw off my balance even more.

Finally, I was done and got in the shortest check-out line.  There was some confusion and delay with the customer ahead of me, but I was unable to hear the cause. With the contents of my cart emptied onto the conveyer, I was told we would have to move to another line because there was a problem with the cash register.  The clerk assisted in reloading the cart and emptying it again.  I carry my own fabric bags including a thermal bag for frozen and/or dairy and conscientiously load the conveyor belt to make it easy to determine what goes in which bag; all frozen together, all dairy together, all canned/boxed together, etc.  She was not so conscientious and frozen ended up in every bag except the thermal one which made sorting through to put away the perishables urgent and much more difficult and time-consuming.


I got my attitude adjustment in the form of back and forth texts and a follow-up phone call from an old high school friend.  He can always make me grin and sometimes blush, even across the miles.  If my family and friends knew how therapeutic their voices are to me, I am sure they would want to wield that power more often.